Oh my sweet God, no movie as stupid as 2012 has any right to be TWO HOURS AND THIRTY-EIGHT MINUTES. I drank HALF a smuggled 12 oz bottle of Coke (Tiny Coke, if you will), and nearly DIED. My bladder is BRUISED.

My mom's the disaster movie junkie--she hasn't seen a movie in the theater in six months (I think she last one she saw was Up), so I went for her sake. Man, I hate disaster movies. I worry about this stuff enough, you know? I'm not really into watching implausibly connected characters run and weep and do noble shit and die horribly for two hours (AND THIRTY-EIGHT MINUTES). I'm okay with watching shit blow up; I just don't want to watch the cast meeble on about it. And let me tell you, internets, shit does not start blowing up until FIFTY-SEVEN (57) minutes into the movie. If you think I give a shit about John Cusack's ex-marital problems, you are WRONG, Roland Emmerich. And even the next hour and a half has way too much wibbling about humanity. BLOW SHIT UP. BLOW IT UP NOWWWWWWWWWW. Seriously: go buy a ticket to this thing, walk in fifty-seven minutes late, watch John Cusack and family outrun an earthquake in a limo (because this part is THE MOST AWESOME THING I HAVE EVER SEEN, at the very least the most awesome thing I have ever seen involving either an earthquake or a limo), and then after they get to Vegas, LEAVE. If you've seen Deep Impact and The Poseidon Adventure, you've pretty much seen everything else. In fact, you can probably just watch Dodge the Freeway in the trailer; I didn't watch it, but my mother says pretty much all the awesome stuff is in there, and the rest of the movie is just a game of Guess Who's Gonna Die (a winner is me!). I was also able to call not one but TWO ridiculous romances, because it was that kind of movie. Honestly, earthquake in a limo and Thandie Newton's French: best things in the movie. Everything else I laughed at until I was seized with urinary tract regret for the entire last hour.

(OMFG THE WOLFMAN TRAILER WAS SO AWESOME IT IS WHAT THE INSIDE OF MY HEAD LOOKS LIKE. I was seriously just sitting there all a-squee, clapping my fists [so it would be quiet!] chanting "WOLFMAN WOLFMAN WOLFMAN!!!!!!" and my mother was like, You are so weird.)

I also grabbed a few sheets of printer paper to fold up and stuff in my purse--turns out that you can just squeak by on six pages and the back of the first page if you take notes sparingly.

(THIS IS THE THING OF WHICH WE DO NOT SPEAK. WE DO NOT JINX IT. IT MAY STILL NOT HAPPEN.)



(Zomg e-book! The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards!)